Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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