There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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