My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
