In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
