im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I think my fart just growled at me.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
