It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Are my feet made of real feet?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
