idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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