'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
