Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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