I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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