a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
