i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
