Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
