when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
