as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
