i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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