Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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