Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
