My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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