I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
