Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
