You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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