How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
