Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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