My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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