im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
