I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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