Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
