sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
