I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
