I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
