Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
