part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
