I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
