What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
even my farts smell like vagina
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
