remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
