im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
