I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
