you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
And then my night got REAL pukey
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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