I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
