Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
