Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
How does one acquire holy water?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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