its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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