everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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