Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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