Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
