I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
