doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
