I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
