i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
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