you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
