The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
